an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Randomize
