What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
