he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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