he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
and you fell through a lawn chair
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
