Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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