Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
