She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
