You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
