Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
