I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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