please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
