Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
