I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
