Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
