i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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