just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
only if we run a train.
done.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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