My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
