he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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