I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
