I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
