is your mom at the bar?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
