i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
