My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
