since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
