and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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