God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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