Whod you bang
they need to just BURY HIM!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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