dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
