yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
