You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
