I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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