"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
