peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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