i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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