she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
