I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
