we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I am midnight drunk by noon
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
