I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
