Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
