he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
