I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
