life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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