the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
