Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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