I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
