i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize