??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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