I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
