my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
