Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
